Now there’s a loaded question. I enjoy nothing more while practising a little retail therapy than to pop in somewhere for a coffee, especially if an almond croissant is involved. But try going into your local high street coffee chain and just asking for a cup of coffee. Please. You’ll be met with an incomprehensible stare from the ‘barista’ who will gesture towards a blackboard behind the counter where a never ending list of coffee related permutations, in cup sizes ranging from thimble to bucket, is waiting for your confused perusal.
Cappucino, Skinny Cap, Macchiato, Latte, Americano, Espresso, Espresso Doppio, Ristretto, Mocha, Mocha Mellow, Babychino; the list is relentless – now repeat with a de-caff option and what have we got? A coffee mocha-ry, that’s what. And can someone tell me what Flat White is? I have visions of slurping from the saucer.When push comes to shove, I stick with Americano. I like my coffee unadulterated and strong – with a dash, a mere dash – of cold milk, which I prefer to administer myself, so it’s a bit of a relief that my coffee shop of choice provides miniscule jugs from which to dispense said dairy addition.
Simple!
No, of course it isn’t; whole milk, semi-skimmed, skimmed or cream; or perhaps soya?
If all this choice is not perplexing enough, there is now a vast array of syrups to contend with. Why not add a shot of caramel or hazelnut or butterscotch, suggests the barista – or even a splash of passion fruit? Why on earth would I want to do that? And since when has someone who serves coffee been (bean) called a barista? The word sounds like a Bond villain summoning his defence lawyer.
I accept that this penchant for themed caffeine has a place on the high street (okay, I admit it – I have a loyalty card), but it’s beginning to filter into our homes; there’s no getting away from it. Twice of late I have been invited to different friends’ homes for morning coffee and a catch up, which is lovely on all counts except that both have recently purchased new-fangled coffee machines complete with colour-coded coffee capsules. These capsules are the same size and shape as the tiny, impossible to open, catering packs of milk or cream which you balance on your saucer with a mass produced cup of tea or coffee sold in such establishments as a hospital canteen. The colour coding on these capsules corresponds to different flavours and strengths of coffee. They have tantalisingly operatic names, such as Rosabaya, Fortissio Lungo or Volluto.
These capsules are put into the machine at one end and a wonderful cup of steaming espresso is supposed to come out at the other. Except that it doesn’t. What actually comes out is a tiny cup of warmish coloured water that does not taste remotely like anything I’d call coffee.
Nothing-like-espresso. (I think that must be what the N stands for).
I’m no stranger to coffee machines: I’ve dabbled in the past. We had an Italian espresso and cappuccino maker once which I persevered with for a while but it eventually found its way to the charity shop for some other poor soul to struggle with. I went back to my trusty cafetière and have enjoyed perfect coffee ever since.
So when you invite me round for coffee, no offence, but I’ll be bringing my own flask of home brew.
And you can blame George Clooney.
Flat White is basically Australian for a standard cup of coffee I think. As for N-espresso, well I was given a Nespresso maker several years ago by the girls and once you find a coffee you like then it isn’t bad. But you do have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince. We also have a syphon coffee maker – at least I think that’s what it is. Also good but so much hassle. Special occasions only. What we don’t have is instant. Or syrup. Or thimbles. Poole Pottery mugs. Half full of whatever capsule coffee I want. I tried the civet poo coffee once. A complete con. No trace of civet. Or coffee. But poo was definitely in there somewhere. I don’t think even GC could market that.
Noooo – we never have instant in the house either – not even for the builders – they usually prefer tea anyway.
Maybe I should have been more resilient with my friend’s machine. We could have gone through the whole of her welcome pack to find the flavour. Or not. We used to have a filter machine which worked quite well but the coffee stewed after a while and tasted burnt.
Coffee making is a bit of a minefield, isn’t it?
In North America the coffee rot (as apposed to Tommy Rot) started with Starbucks. A gazillion ways to have your coffee – the small cup called grande (that should give you a clue) and actually it’s never a cup, its a cardboard beaker – CARDBOARD – how can you possibly enjoy a real cup of coffee or tea in cardboard!
I heard the Flat White term in England recently – it referred to regular coffee with milk. Thanks Andrew, I’ll have a flat white next time I light the barby.
I had just finished ranting about my storm in a teach-cup in England, had returned home to Canada and on a news/information radio ‘show’ they were discussing how they were now doing to tea what had been done to coffee!
Coming soon, if not already there, specialty tea shops – but most of the teas will be HEBAL! It may be hot, it may be a beverage, but it ain’t TEA. Herbal tea indeed.
I enjoyed your post and my temperature is now hotter than the coffee we were often served in England.
I also dislike those coffee machines where you drop in the little plastic cups. What a waste of packaging. As if the machine really knows the difference from one brand of coffee to another! You just pour boiled water over it – duh!
Bye Bye
Well of course we have Starbucks here now. Star bucks – certainly for someone but their coffee is ****. And I’m with you on the cardboard – disgusting! Plastic lids with a sip funnel – even worse. Ugh I’m shuddering just thinking about it.
Herbal tea. The correct term is infusion or even tisane but I don’t think that would catch on. I’m not a huge fan although lemon and ginger can be soothing for a sore throat. But fennel? Tastes like something you’d pour down the sink.
It is something I’d pour down the sink
🙂 🙂
I with you, Jenny. I love my coffee straight up…black and strong. I get overwhelmed by all of the selections in our coffee houses. Many of these choices I don’t consider coffee, they’re desserts, containing a whopping 400+ calories! We have a place called Dunkin Donuts, it’s a donut and coffee house. This week, my coworker bought me a Pumpkin Spice Coffee and I’m hooked! I’ve had one every day since…no cream or sugar, but the spicy flavor is heavenly!
Yes you’re right, Jill – they are more like desserts – some even have whipped cream floating on the top with sprinkles. So call it something else, please, not coffee! I think we have Dunkin Donuts here although the craze at the moment is for Krispy Kreme’s which also have a million calories but are strangely alluring. Pumpkin Spice – I wonder if that would catch on in the UK? We’re not big on pumpkins here – but give it time! 😉
Whipped cream on coffee…that’s just wrong! If you like cinnamon and all-spice, I think you’d enjoy the Pumpkin Spice coffee, without whippy of course! 🙂
Jenny, I am with you too. I always feel a little brazen, ordering from our Starbucks, a simple cup of coffee! And please may I put the milk in myself? I hate the, as-you-call-them “baristas” (funny), looking at me while I look over their heads to decide which fancy cup of coffee to have and in what size.
I HAVE been tempted by those machines with their little milk-size containers holding exotic coffee though… I would like to hear the pop as I move the bar over the coffee container. And to produce one cup of coffee just for me? How luxurious. But I am always filling and refilling my cup at home, warming it up. If someone were to ask me how many cups I drink a day, I honestly wouldn’t know.
And what does George Clooney have to do with it?
Yes, the pop would be like bubble wrap, I’m guessing – and how satisfying is that? Like being the first knife to slide across the new slab of butter.
George Clooney advertises those coffee machines and all the accessories incessantly on TV here – I thought he’d be global!
Maybe. but I only like him when he’s covered up with a space suit as in the newish movie “Gravity.” So I may have tuned him out!
I’m with you up to a point, but I do love a Latte (or milky coffee as my Mum used to call it). I rarely drink coffee at home as my wife hates the stuff. What we do have is an assortment of teas (or as I call them, tea and a load of other fruity stuff).
As I’m not a fan of milk in general, I avoid anything with too much of it! As far as tea goes – Earl Grey is a fave (just a splash of semi-skimmed), and recently I’ve discovered Redbush which is nice at breakfast. Not a fan of the fruity stuff – would rather have Ribena 🙂
Oh Jenny, I did laugh reading this perfect Friday post, thanks so much!
Why oh why did coffee get so darn complicated? Does George Clooney realise the trouble he has caused, well, does he???? Think it’s time I hired a Barista, ha!
I’m afraid I’m very boring – one cup of morning coffee, white (or should I say ‘flat) instant coffee, occasionally a milky coffee (as Dylan’s mum used to call it) and that’s it. When I’m out I do enjoy a cappucino now and then but I’m really a tea girl. Plain, black English tea. Don’t like herbal teas of any description or all those coffee shots. Can’t be messing with them.
See, I told you I was boring 😉
That’s not boring – it’s very British. I remember your post about having a brew on the beach in California. Some cultural traditions just cannot be quashed, however long you may be away from your ancestral roots, as you have proved!
Afternoon tea seems to be more fashionable again – cheaper than lunch but still pricey for tea, a few sandwiches and some Victoria sponge. And I don’t like cucumber, so I’m a bit stuffed on that front – but my sister and I are planning to ‘do’ tea somewhere in London, for a treat, just to see what it’s like – so will report back as and when. 🙂
Yes, the great British brew up!!!
I remember you saying you were hoping to go to the Ritz? I really look forward to hearing all about it when you go and you can give me some inside gen 🙂
Well, that was the original plan – and then someone suggested Claridges and now I’m all confused… maybe we’ll toss for it 🙂
I just loathe these coffee bars. It took me a long while, and a good friend, to understand that one was not called Cafe Nerd. Getting a coffee in America was even worse, so this time I took kettle and tea bags. Sorted.
Café Nerd! I love it! No, obviously I don’t – ours is full of pushchairs for a start. You actually took a kettle to America – how eccentric and very British – good for you!! 🙂
I`m a coffee fiend. Like you, I use a cafétiere. Hate Starbucks. Hate the size and shape of the mugs, hate the coffee. Love espresso. Love my Bialetti but only use it on occasion.
After your flapjack post I rather felt you were a fellow coffee fan. I also thought that even I could manage your recipe without my usual kitchen disasters!
Bringing your own flask to a coffee date, at least in Colorado, is a reminder of bootlegging during Prohibition Days. What a great post to add a double dose of smiles to our coffee.
Just when I thought I knew EXACTLY what to order, they added Skinny Lemon Chai Tea whipped latte with sprinkles of cinnamon and lemon zest on top, and now I have another confusing choice on the list!
Marylin – that has just taken the biscuit! Is that a real choice – seriously? Did you try it – and if so, what’s the verdict? What will they think of next?!! 🙂
OK now I’m feeling a bit of balance may be required here and someone needs to defend the fancy machine. As you will know Jenny my other half is not a one for gadgets and machines and was a very reluctant participant in the purchase of the ‘Clooney’ machine (purchased before he was advertising it I might add!). We both thoroughly enjoy our little pods of coffee – containers carefully recycled – and I particularly like being able to make a good cappuccino at home in a simple container which requires minimal effort to clean! The other half uses it for his straight black coffees more than I do.
I was so looking forward to having you round for a Livanto or perhaps an Indira but fear not – I still have my cafetiere or the kettle and a pack of Earl Grey 🙂
I can always rely on you for a bit of balance. I had no idea that you had one of these machines and I’m perfectly willing to accept that you may yet convert me – with an Earl Grey on stand-by, it’s a win-win situation 🙂
I’m with you Jenny. Out of pre stubbornnessI stick to Americano black and refuse all offers of loyalty cards.
But worse was the time we were dining in the town of Cognac. Asking for a brandy produced much rolling of eyes and a multi-page brandy menu 🙂
Ah, the French are very good at eye-rolling. I can’t imagine they have allowed the scourge of novelty coffee flavours to infiltrate their nation. They’re not even fond of providing a double espresso.
We went to Cognac once. It was very beautiful and they were serious about their brandy. We never got as far as the multi-page menu though 🙂
I love coffee and can’t function without it in the morning, but I make my own with a press and filter – no fancy machines. Coffee is the best season of the day!
Haven’t seen any George Clooney coffee ads in Canada, perhaps because we have a big chain called Tim Horton’s which most people seem to adore. (I’m very cautiously whispering that I don’t like their coffee … Yikes! I better be careful. I might get kicked out of the “real Canadian” club.)
And don’t get me started on the term “barista.” Has always put me in mind of a short lawyer. What precious nonsense.
Haha, a girl after my own heart! I can’t believe the George Clooney ads aren’t global. Hollis, above, who hails from Atlanta, was mystified too. I need to research my sources before I blithely go posting them on my blog!
I agree – coffee is the best drink of the day. I always look forward to the first one.
Jenny I used to inject strong coffee many times a day, unfortunately I can’t do it anymore as the doctor ordered so sometime I have no choice but to sneak in for one of those camouflage sterile instant stuff you are talking about….. hard life. The real strong mud coffee with cardamom seeds that is what we drink and I never found better replacement as yet. George is in the artificial machinery game too so watch it girls and don’t be fooled by a look from a man who don’t understand his cofee…
Strong mud coffee with cardamom sounds rather exotic – I like the sound of this. I’m imagining it would go well after dinner with some petit fours or Turkish delight. I can see you’re a man who understands his coffee, Doron!
Jenny you are talking to my heart. Hope we get to enjoy a cup or two one sunny day. Sorry for late reply was busy with the exhibition.
I do love a latte and we do have a coffee machine (though not one of those pod ones!) but I don’t know what we did before the coffee revolution which is now everywhere! Has to be Costa for me. When did it happen – it seems that all of a sudden coffee shops are everywhere and everyone is carrying lidded cups around with them!
Yes, I’m a Costa person – it’s their loyalty card that I use. Their Americano is the best on the high street, I think, although we have just got a new coffee shop called Bill’s which is rather good.
I refuse to use a lidded cup unless I’m at football – and then it’s hot chocolate 😉
Mmmm there’s nothing better than pressed coffee. I’m a big fan of the Americano though I’ve had to start adding a dash of milk over the last year or so.
Hi Aussa – thanks for dropping in and for the follow. I shall be checking you out soon. Hope to see you again sometime 🙂
Look at all this chatter–obviously coffee is an emotionally-loaded subject!
And I just typed and then deleted my rant; it was too obviously emotionally-loaded. Suffice it to say, I am a coffee snob. And those machines are dumb.
Oh Tracy – I’d have loved to hear your rant! I think we’re all coffee snobs as we seem to have such decided opinions on how it should be served. I’m amazed that such an innocent little drink has brought so many of us together at my coffee morning. Biscuit, anyone? 🙂
Actually, I’m a beverage snob. I have relentless opinions about everything sippable (yes, wordpress spellchecker, sippable IS exactly the word I meant to type): coffee, tea, lemonade, carbonated brand-name sodas (eew!); whiskey; beer; wine; cocktails; sherry; punch; slush… There are RULES and they must be followed.
I still am very fond of my ‘just a filter-coffee machine’, which indeed makes way better coffee than those Nespresso thingies in my opinion. I must admit that I sometimes do like a white café mocha, but then my own – with milk from a normal milk bottle, heated in a little pan with white chocolat, and coffee from that filter machine. Not the Starbucks kind, which is more sugar than coffee, milk or chocolate xD
White chocolate sounds decadent – I like it hot poured over frozen berries…yum!