How many friends do you have? Two, six, thirty? Or perhaps, like one of my fourteen year old pupils, you have 762. Really? The word friend and its meaning is becoming debased and devalued, thanks to social media which, as far as I can tell was set up by the socially inept and is now creating social ineptitude on a global scale. A recent BBC news item stated that in a survey of twelve to eighteen year olds, twenty-five per cent of them felt more comfortable dealing with ‘friends’ via a screen or on their phones than face to face.
Friendship as we know it is a dying art. Friendships these days are conducted through the medium of Facebook or Twitter on whichever small screen is to hand. Popularity is measured by how many people like whatever crashingly boring news you’ve just posted on your page, be it the mundane making of beds, washing the family laundry or having a night out at the 02 to see Michael Buble. Your page or thread of inane consciousness instantly means something to somebody, desperate for you to ‘like’ them back. These people immediately become your friends. All it takes is a little thumbs up logo. It’s not unusual these days to have hundreds of friends: Stephen Fry, for instance, has a Twitter following of messianic proportions (now there’s a thought. If Twitter had been around two thousand or so years ago maybe the New Testament would have panned out differently) – but how many of these buddies would drop everything on a freezing cold morning to come round and help him jump start his car? How many of them would bake you bread in return for dropping their offspring at school? How many of these push-a-button-quick friends would you invite to your wedding or significant birthday? How many of them would you go on holiday with?
I think I have quite a lot of friends, as it goes. Probably between ten and twenty. There are different groups of them – old friends, tennis friends, writing friends, work friends, book-reading friends and friends I made when Son was small. Some of these friendship groups overlap but they all have one thing in common. They are real. I know what these people look like, know how they think, what’s likely to upset them, what will make them laugh and which ones I can call on for advice or a trip down memory lane. I know when their birthdays are, how old they are and whether they are sensitive to my knowing. They know all this about me. Most of them know some of my family; I know, or know of, their nearest and dearest. I might know some of their deepest darkest secrets, their hopes and dreams, the successes and failures they’ve made and they will know mine. They are the people I share celebrations with, remember to send cards to and phone when it’s time to get together. We meet, we interact, we pick up where we left off. Face to face. As friends do.
The internet is a powerful tool. Of course I can see the potential of Facebook and Twitter in a commercial sense. If I had something to sell or I wanted to raise money or awareness about something then it would be foolish not to sign up, even though it irks me to have to sponsor somebody through their online giving page. All big businesses now use Facebook (it’s easy PR – back in the day, my life in publicity would have been such a doddle) – even BBC news has a page although I’d much rather visit their website for updates, but that’s just personal preference.
The internet can also be extremely destructive if not treated with a little caution. Splashing drunken photographs of yourself across a Facebook page may seem highly entertaining when you’re a student but may come back to bite you when (as happened to a friend’s son), fresh out of university with a good degree, you struggle to secure employment because the potential employer has checked your suitability via social media. There’s no hiding from it once it’s out there.
Posting photographs of children online is done either with complete naivety or a flagrant disregard for child protection. I came across an alarming post on WordPress recently highlighting the plight of one family who, quite innocently, posted a video of their six year old son performing in his school talent contest. The pictures got into the ‘wrong’ hands and went, as they say, viral. The family were traumatised by the salacious comments made towards their son and began a long and partly unsuccessful journey to have the video removed.
Sadly cyber bullying is rife amongst teenagers –just to be ‘unfriended’ causes untold grief. In the real world, some friendships fizzle out naturally due to geographic distance or a change in interests perhaps – but it doesn’t mean that the original friends have parted acrimoniously. Life goes on. Then there is the sinister issue of young people being ‘groomed’ on the internet and Facebook is the first port of call for this lowlife. How do teenagers assess the authenticity of a wannabe friend?
Which brings me to blogging. Blogging is a form of social media, so what’s the difference? Why do we blog? To seek out similar interests, to inspire and be inspired, to be informed through an alternative channel to anything else that’s published or broadcast. To have our say, I guess. We build communities with like-minded bloggers – we visit each other’s sites and leave comments. A comment is valuable; it can set off a discussion or a different train of thought. Blogging creates a form of friendship but, without wishing to offend, it’s a two dimensional one.
I don’t know you, not really, and you don’t know me (although through our creativity we get to know one another on a certain level), so how do you know that I’m not a sociopathic inmate residing in a high security prison? With a good imagination?
How do I know that you aren’t?
I’ll leave you with that spooky thought this Halloween week. 
Have a good one.
charactersfromthekitchen 
Ooooh Jenny you have the uncommon power of making me drop what I’m doing and respond straight away. So many things to pick up on but the one that leapt out was the likening of laundry and bed making to Michael Buble!
I’m glad that I used to be a youth worker because once you have worked with children, you get very very sensitive about what you put on Facebook and I was actually afraid even to have an account in those days.
I’m generally OK with FB, and have found that friending my young cousin whom I hardly ever see gives me an insight into her interests. The most heart sinking thing for me is seeing teenage girls obsessively taking glamour selfies of themselves and constantly changing their pictures in the quest for “Likes” and Comments of “You’re so gorgeous/beautiful etc etc”
Yes, that’s a good point. Facebook is also responsible for perpetrating the celebrity culture we now seem to be stuck with. While body image has been an issue for teen girls for years the need to be seen and adored by so called friends has taken things to a whole new level. A true friend would not care if you opened the door lacking your daily slap, hair awry wearing non matching PJ’s. At least, mine don’t. 🎃
Ah yes that is the sign of a real friend.
Don’t even get into the territory of: Girl posts heavily made up and posed picture… “friends” post compliments… girl posts back saying “stop it! I’m not beautiful! you are!” and then back and forth tennis with fished-for compliments.
Nothing compensates for the beauty that comes from within.
Interesting indeed. I suppose I’d have to think about why I can see my way to maintaining a WP blog, but would be aghast at my own behavior if I should find myself involved with either Twitter and especially Facebook. Like you, I see the media as very different and you did a good job of characterizing what blogging is about. I wish I could think of just the right word which, to my mind, describes much of what ‘goes on’ on FB. Senseless? Empty? But, that’s just me. Perhaps I’m just getting old(er). Before signing off, perhaps I’ll take a stab at an answer to my first question … I enjoy blogging because I enjoy writing and I enjoy my photography. Rather than write and photograph in a vacuum, the blog gives me a venue, a platform full of like-minded and not-so-like-minded folks who are willing to read and to respond. I like that. D
We’re all getting old. Another thing that struck me is that for parents to be on Facebook to keep up with their kids is the online equivalent to what we call in the UK, ‘Dad Dancing.’ This refers to the embarrassment felt by kids when they see their parents bopping around at a party to the disco beat. It’s just not cool.
Blogging, however, opens up channels of dialogue which can help our creative processesand can provide some honest and welcome feedback. It is a platform, I agree, and it is up to us to treat it responsibly. I think that on the whole, we do. 🎃
I’m so glad it wasn’t around when I was at school…On the plus side, we’ve made actual real-life friends through Facebook, via dog events groups. I do see blogging as a less superficial type of media, but you’re right, I could be anyone…
Now this is where I almost contradict myself. Meeting real people through a designated group page is fine – it’s a form of advertising, after all, and a good way to find like minded people locally. Nothing wrong with that, because once you’ve found your group you’re then interacting with real people when you meet up.
It’s a minefield at school. Sadly, many of our younger members of staff still have to be reminded to use integrity when friending recruits on Facebook – even in our environment which leans heavily towards child protection, implications have to be spelled out to them.
Well if you are a sociopathic inmate residing in a high security prison with a good imagination, then I still ‘like’ what you have to say 😀
I’ll let you know when I’m allowed visitors, Jude – be nice to have a chat 🎃
Firstly Jenny, I think Twitface is genius ( whether you invented it or not) Secondly I do know you because I am in the distinguished position of being one of your writing friends, I do meet you face to face and know what you look like, as do many Facebook/Twitter users. But I take your point; most “friends aren’t real, actual friends. You know my opinion on the subject and I respect the points you have made. It’s just a shame that the people who abuse these sites, ruin it for the others. I believe that if used correctly; there are more positives than negatives. It is just the world we live in now x
Hope you’re right, Kay. Is there a blueprint for using it correctly? It’s the privacy thing that bothers me – but then, I suppose if all parties are ok with it… I’d be livid if someone tagged me in a group photo they decided to put on Facebook. Do taggers ask permission before they go ahead – I doubt it would cross their minds, somehow.
Yes Denise, that was a bit below the belt about Michael Buble! I will be posting on my FB status in December when I go to see Mr B, I can’t wait!
Oh I’m mortified! Nothing is ever original – I must have picked up that line from you when we met up and it stored in the sub conscious. Apologies – first rule for a good journo – check your sources … Whoops! 🎃
An interesting discussion. I generally agree with your comments about FB, but I use it to keep up with what family members are up to. It’s a bit like having to kiss a lot of frogs before finding a prince (or princess in my case) in dismissing FB posts and reading others. I keep my ‘friends’ list pretty select. It includes mainly people I know, or whose Blogs I follow.
As for blogging on WP, I do that because I enjoy the creative process and it gives an outlet for ideas and photographic images. It can become a problem, I think, if we start to be concerned about how many likes or comments we get. Some of my favourite posts I have published got the most meagre responses – but they are still my favourites and won’t impact what I post next.
That’s not to say I don’t thoroughly enjoy and appreciate the interaction with those who take the time to comment.
In a nutshell, Rod. I think you’ve summed up what blogging is all about. I’m sure we could all chase statistics if we really wanted and I suppose linking to other social media would aid that cause. I’m more interested in quality than quantity, and like you, appreciate and enjoy the interaction I have with my regular fellow bloggers. 🎃
I’ve been waiting for this post since you mentioned it on Hollis’s blog recently. I think you and I are on the same page, when it comes to social media. The survey from the BBC you mentioned is very disturbing. How will these kids make it in the real world? I’m not sure companies are interviewing applicants through Facebook…at least, not yet. I started my blog over two years ago and I have no idea how many “followers” I have or where my stats stand. I blog for many reasons and have met a wonderful group of people, like yourself, who I don’t believe are psychos. 🙂 I have my posts set up to go to Facebook and Twitter. I’m rarely on FB…who’s got the time? As for Twitter, I know nothing about it and at this point, I don’t feel it’s necessarily going to make me a better writer to “Tweet.” This was great, Jenny!
Or maybe we’re all psychos together!
Imagine being interviewed through Facebook – you wouldn’t even need to spell properly or use correct grammar 🎃
I’m not in this blogging thing for the stats – like I said to Rod, above, quality is so much more important than quantity – and I reckon our community has quality in spades, Jill 🎃
While I’m not on Facebook, I am all of a Twitter! It takes a bit of time to work out who to follow, but then it becomes a fantastic way of accessing information that is of specific interest to me and then being able to share it with like-minded people. So it does not have to be used to share messages about what I’m doing or where I am or what my cat has just been up to!
We have a way to go though before the majority of social network users realise that whatever they upload is far from private, and if you don’t want strangers to potentially read/see it, then don’t post it in the first place.
Fair comment. I’m all for gleaning random interesting information and I do accept that lots of folk use it in just the way that you do.
Privacy seems to be less and less important the further entrenched we become in online communication – however much we cast words of caution to our students, they still persist in posting inappropriate material.
You a sociopathic inmate? No!!!! 😀 seriously though Jenny you raise some valid points and I’m with you on this whole new take on ‘friendship’. Personally I find FB in particular to be very powerful – for business and in some social cases like trying to raise awareness or spread the word but I do despise how people judge a page by the number of ‘likes’. ‘Likes’ can be bought. It isn’t a true reflection of the person or person’s work or business. The most powerful way to build a community online is definitely through blogging because if you’re doing it properly (like in your case) your authentic self shines through and that’s what garners support. Love your posts 🙂
I know how effective a dedicated page can be – our son created one when his book was coming out and it proved to be an excellent publicity tool so from that perspective, then social media works in a positive way.
Thanks for suggesting I’m doing it properly – I don’t know about that but we do have an excellent community here, don’t we? 🎃
Social media has its place. Like all things, it can be a slippery slope. I don’t Twitter, but my husband does. I do connect with friends and relatives – near and far – on Facebook. I, of course, also blog. I do enjoy the friends I’ve made thru WordPress. As you say, we do have a common interest – reading and writing.
Jenny, I do try to be very cautious about photos and information that I publish. As a former reporter, I know some of the pitfalls that you mention. As a teacher, I’ve heard of some of the bullying done on social media. Pluses and minuses, for sure. 😉
Ah, Judy, the voice of reason! Definitely pluses and minuses – it’s just knowing how to recognise them, isn’t it?
I’m very much aware that I’m in a minority by not using Facebook or Twitter and I say it’s unlikely which isn’t discounting it altogether because you never know, someday I might want to promote something! 🎃
Excellent thoughts. I am on FB but I don’t ‘get’ twitter. My FB friends are a mix: real friends and rellies, common interest folk – photography, birds, bloggers, and that’s about it. I guess about 120 max. Mrs Ha has ~10 FB friends. I am one of them. It is useful but you need to filter hard and use an ad blocker. Social media follow the usual mantra of everything in moderation. Less is probably more. Now get back in your cell.
I like the notion of ad blocking and the suggestion of filtering is a good one. Twitter is anathema to me – far too lemming like – Why does anyone want to follow someone they don’t know? 10 FB friends sounds more than adequate. When’s the blog launching, then? 🎃
Well Jenny, despite your paragraph that rails against the thumbs-up icon, I felt compelled to click it. You make a lot of valid points here, many of which I agree with. I try to see social media as a connection tool, which is why I do Facebook and blogging. Having lived hundreds of miles from the nearest family member for most of my adult life, I appreciate the Facebook connection. Even the most mundane posts help me stay in touch with distant cousins and other relations I might not otherwise see and hear from apart from funerals and weddings. Blogging has been wonderful too. Although a two-dimensional connection, as you pointed out, it’s been a great way to learn and grow as a writer. I do worry about the younger generation, who don’t know life without social media, but I suppose time will tell how it will all pan out.
Time will tell, just like it always has. I suppose we were all just as much of a mystery to our parents who must have worried about some trend or other as we were growing up.
Blogging is definitely good for the writing process – in all aspects – to read others writing and to write consistently ourselves. I agree – it’s been great for me so far and it’s lovely to have the same people dropping in each week showing their support. Thanks for yours, Gwen 🎃
As always thanks for the good read. I have accounts on many of the social media services–Digg, Reddit, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc. Some dropped off quickly–Instragram comes to mind. For others it’s taken longer. Increasingly, though, I’m getting used to the idea that all but one–this one–is a waste of energy.
I’d go on some more but “Ugly Bill” needs the top bunk, besides I have my meeting with the warden–errr. ‘boss’ yeah, that’s it…
Well, that’s another issue – having the time and the will to keep up with all the different sites. No wonder it’s a struggle getting homework out of our students.
By the way, I had my suspicions. Hope Ugly Bill isn’t giving you too much grief. 🎃
Like you I dislike social media. I don’t want my private life “out there”, but understand the younger generation do, even though they haven’t grasped the repercussions. I think it is akin to the “round robin letters” sent at Christmas, the writers of which presume I am interested in the minute details of the lives of people I don’t know. I like real friends and real friendship. Also like you, I have gathered my friends from childhood until now. I prioritise spending time with them because I like them and I hope they feel the same way. I enjoy the chat, and especially the laughter. I can chuckle at emails etc. but it is not the same. The blogs are different; they actually involve thinking, an attribute I prize dearly.
Oh gosh yes, those awful letters. That’s just given me fodder for another post – thank you – and there we have a prime example – inspiration from a real writing friend!
🎃
Hey there, Jenny! I like this angle on social media, as I have nineteen year old who uses its two dimensional-ness constantly! And accepts it as three dimensional! Has had boyfriends, “gone out ” with them, broken up, and now refers to them as her exes. All on social media.
The other side, is, as a blogger, I have noticed, we do distill our essence, so as to tell our secrets to each other. Forming bonds, unlike other intimacies but yet intimate. In the world wild public arena known as the internet.
It does seem odd to us that our offspring are quite happy to live their lives in a soap opera style spot light. Privacy has gone out the window it seems. If only they were aware of possible repercussions – but maybe they don’t care about those, either.
Let’s stick to blogging -,so much more satisfying. 🎃
You are right about our offspring. I think what they say is true ,”If everyone is transparent, doesn’t that give us a form of privacy? No one really cares!”
Anyway, you and I have “known” each other for a year and a half! Happy second Halloween, Jenny! Oh, I saw some jack-o-lanterns, each with different colored lights inside. So beautiful! And so “us!”
Doesn’t time fly? Happy Halloween to you, too. Here’s to another year of fun blogging!
Well Jenny, I have to say I do have a Facebook account so I could keep up with my grandchildren’s interests. Unfortunately, I started playing games on the site, and before I knew it I had hundreds of “friends” including almost all of a high school class of 1967. Small town I think. Anyway, I soon realized, I had people listed as friends, I never Ok’d. In fact, I am still not sure how they became my “friend”.
So I quit and deleted all games and cleaned house down to the 30 people I really knew, mostly extended out of state family. Not I check Facebook twice a week, and ignore requests for game play. I also check my Friend list at least once a month and unfriend any that sneak in without my approval.
Interestingly, I find get more information from my grandchildren in 5 minutes during a face to face visit then I ever got on Facebook. Plus I get and give a hug and kiss, which is impossible to get on Facebook.
Oh Holly, I know how addictive these online games can be – I play scrabble over the Internet with at least five friends – and I once was put in charge of Son’s FarmVille when he was on holiday – it proved to be very stressful!
I’d get really mad at finding ‘friends’ I hadn’t ok’d.
There really is no substitute for real- life communication – and getting information from children is so much easier if you can put them on the spot – they can ignore the written word quite easily. 🎃
A lot of commenters relate to what you have written so perceptively Jenny. Of course so much depends on the definition of ‘friend’. I don’t think I’ve ever even MET 600 people, the average friend-count that the young ones have these days.
I have just two close friends – those I would do anything for – and I rarely meet them, they live elsewhere. I have a ton of casual friends and acquaintances, people I say ‘hi’ to or go for a coffee or a beer with. I have social media friends in addition.
Times have changed beyond recognition and relationships between young people are many and fragile, often illusional. It’s too late, the genie is out of the bottle.
I laughed at your never having met 600 people, Roy, I bet you have if you count the postman etc! But I take your point. Acquaintances are another thing, we’ve probably all got loads of those – but we don’t share the sort of information with them that people who put up their whole lives on Twitface do. The genie has definitely escaped 🎃
Spooky indeed. I’m busted, darn. No more pretense, I’ll put up my real pic tomorrow… Seriously though Jenny, your excellent post certainly brings up a lot of questions I think so many of us have about social media. Funnily enough, I half-prepared a post on this subject a few months ago. Will have to take another look at it after reading this! I resisted Facebook for a long time but now I do enjoy using it to keep in touch with friends who live far away, particularly my close American friends, but I make sure all my settings are on private so that if anyone tags me or posts to my timeline, only I get to see them and decide whether or not to allow them to be shown. Only my friends see what I post, unless it’s a shared photo or something from say National Geographic or such. But I don’t post much at all. Blogging is where it’s at for me for all the reasons you state and the wonderful interaction within our lovely community (and I’m so glad to be a part of yours). But also like you, I am worried about the use of social media among young people, very worried. Until I started blogging I had a hard time understanding my daughter’s online friendships but I came to better appreciate the value and benefit they held for her. Just like my online friendships, and I do call them, you, friends. I know we haven’t met in person but when I met Denise, she was just the same as the lovely person I ‘knew’ her to be from her blog. I met hubby through an online dating site but then to be fair, we only emailed a few times before meeting up. But our offline friendships give us the full dimension of human contact that we also need. And of course there are different kinds of friends. The way young people communicate today is very different and we definitely don’t understand the long-term impact this will have on relationships, nor indeed on mental health. What worries me immensely is sexting. But let’s not go down that road…
Oh yes, get that post out of the closet.
You are probably using FB. as sensibly as anyone can – not being a subscriber I can’t comment as to how effective the privacy settings are but I do understand that lots of people use it to keep in touch with far flung family and friends, although I do the same through E mailing.
I hadn’t considered the online dating thing, but I guess you need to be honest from the outset as you are potentially going to eventually meet these people in real life and it would be very awkward to be visibly disappointed🎃
I wonder what the long term effect will be – it is worrying to us but in the future maybe it will be the only way people communicate – it doesn’t really bear thinking about, does it?
Ok, then Sherri, I’ll see you down in the exercise yard later 🎃🎃
As I saw in a cartoon recently, a creepy old guy sitting at his computer was sharing the deepest truths of his heart…as a lovely 21 year old woman looking for a roommate to share her apartment.
Your post is excellent, Jenny. And the younger and more vulnerable–plus the older and more lonely, etc.–are easy prey. Our neighbor’s daughter thought she was just sexting with friends she’d met at camp, and then she lost her scholarship to a nursing program when she found it had been “shared” everywhere.
That cartoon really says it all, doesn’t it? I can well believe the scenario with your neighbour’s daughter – it sounds a lot like what happened with my friend’s son. It’s not our world, Marylin, thank goodness 🎃
Looks like you touched a nerve or two, Jenny! I haven’t met a single writer in real life that wasn’t issue-laden, so I just assumed my virtual writing buddies were loaded up with the same luggage. It’s what makes the writing rich!
I’m pretty new to social media – less than two years. As a divorce lawyer, the fact that my only use of social media prior was as evidence in custody battles, I am acutely aware of the reach of even the most seemingly-innocuous bit tossed out – whether in a tweet, a post, or simply a comment on obscure blog, it can come back to bite!
Now that’s something I hadn’t considered – evidence in light of court cases. This brings posting every bit of your private life on social media to a whole new level. People really need to be better informed as to the implications of impulsive posting.
Thanks for your input, Shel🎃
I feel connected well, in my wordpress “family” but probably would not necessarily enjoy being one on one with all of these fellow bloggers. I definitely learned (the hard way) from match.com, how few really nice people are on dating sites. This is the original reason I got on wordpress, to tell about my 100 dates in 6 months, (coffee, walks in parks, etc.) which I found only two or three worth ‘keeping’ as friends. One writes for the Columbus Dispatch, he is a good friend to have…
I could not imagine tweeting or even being on Facebook, maybe since I am not keen on posting photographs of my kids and grandies. I love them and they may choose to do this media, (both my daughter and daughter in law who have kids say I can WRITE about their kids, but not post photos… too precious to chance the occasional psychopath or child molester…) I agreed with so much of what you wrote here, Jenny!
Happy Halloween and Enjoy the weekend!
Thanks Robin – you too.
Your daughters sound like they have good sense!
Wordpress seems to be the place to be – I’m kind of relieved that so many of you agree with me – I thought I was virtually the only person on the planet not tweeting 🎃
I am on LinkedIn which had a recent comment that on my attached resume I have my address, did I wish to delete it. It is personal information but I could not figure out why I would not want someone to be able to write to me. Maybe since I live in an apartment building where only people with the appropriate ‘stickers’ meaning they live here, and the front door is locked, I feel somewhat protected. I like the fact I get applications still for teaching around the country, but ironically none from Ohio. I apply every year, hoping I will get out of the warehouse environment… Smiles for saying nice things, sight unseen, about my daughters! We all seem to be of ‘like minds’ on this subject, at least! Smiling and sending you a fruit filled cornucopia (ha ha) back at you!
I’m on Twitter, I think, but just have never got into writing 140 characters about banality and trivia. I chucked FB years ago (not on under my real name as usual) and only rejoined because a book review group I’m on uses it to announce upcoming books. I can proudly state since rejoining, I have not a single friend, nor have I had any requests for any. Bliss.
That must be something of a record.
I can see the point of social media if it’s to join a group with similar interests or to promote something – that’s the only kind of page Son uses, and it’s been useful for him.
A very thought-provoking post!
Thanks!